The Myths of Motherhood

Before anything more, I want it to be perfectly clear that wow, I love this kid! She's making it very easy to do these days...constant smiling, laughing, sweetness and flowers and sunshine abound. She's just got us wrapped around her sweet (long, thin, oddly double-jointed (she can bend only the top knuckle of her fingers while keeping the rest of the finger straight)) little finger.

OK, my disclaimer made and my proactive guilt (only slightly) assuaged, on to what I've been thinking about since I heard this program on NPR's World Have Your Say earlier today. The program was called "The Myths of Motherhood" and was about the "perfect ideal" of motherhood we all hear about, and whether the actual experience measures up...and if it doesn't, the guilt we feel even acknowledging that (or at least, that last part is what I got from it as well). It's based on an article written by Elaine Glaser for The Guardian. Seems it started out as an article about post-partum depression and other more clinical problems, but in the course of her research she found this:

"...I found myself opening up a Pandora's box of maternal ambivalence, with one ordinary, non-depressed mother after another describing how their own experience did not match up to the blissful idyll they had been led to expect. Many emphasised their intense love for their children, but also spoke of times when they found looking after them exhausting, lonely and mind-numbingly boring."

Um, yeah. I get that. I feel bad about admitting it -- see aforementioned guilt -- really bad. And I don't regret a single thing about adding Lucy to my life (well, if she could chill the hell out during diaper changes, that would actually be kind of nice, but you know what I mean). I've made kind of jokey comments on this blog now and then about being glad to be at work but ... I wasn't really joking. I very much admire stay-at-home parents, and I very much know I couldn't do that myself. And, I feel a LOT of guilt about that.

How does the enormous love I feel for Lucy not translate to the desire to spend every moment with her? Is it simply that our attachment process is still in progress? (I'm sure that's part of it.) Is it that she can't communicate effectively with me yet? (I'm sure that's a BIG part of it, too.) But the other big part of it is simply me -- I don't have that temperament in my nature. I'm selfish. I take some comfort in the fact that I'm self-aware enough to recognize this in myself and not force my unhappy self on her, which would be bad for everyone. But I still wish I felt differently sometimes. Not that it would change anything, practically speaking -- I'd still work; I need to work. And I'm sure I'd still feel parenting guilt, just about something else.

Anyway, other fabulous bloggers out there have made me think about this blog and how I use it, how a lot of adoptive parents are just so glad the adoption process is over and are also just so exhausted and happy and overwhelmed that we only "blog the good stuff." I do that too. But I also remember well how much of a resource I found these blogs to be as we waited and prepared for parenthood, and how much I appreciated the honesty that some of you shared about the joys but also the struggles of parenting (LawMommy, this banana post has stayed with me for months, since you wrote it. Thank you again for your honesty). A big thank you to all the parents who's writing has helped me throughout this process.

So I'm sure I'll continue to use it primarily as I have in the past -- to brag about how ridiculously adorable and delightful and funny the Kid is. But I don't know who's reading this blog, actually, so in case there are any new/soon-to-be parents reading in the same situation we're in, now and then I'll also try to take off my glib sarcastic hat (and what a hat it is! Glitter, feathers, those wavy-balls-at-the-end-of-antennae, even a propeller!) and "blog the tough stuff" too. Oh, what joy that will surely be!

Just being cute...

Just being cute while eating, lounging with her stuffed turtle. Nothing much else to report...
This is Matthew bloggin' at ya, by the way. I'm not going to get all like "Ooh check out all the fancy word-putting-together I can do for the witty describing of stuff" that my darling wife does. Just pictures of the baby being cute. Peace, MCH

My peeps...

...I love them so. It's late late late for me; 11:08 and I'm still awake, bunking on the downstairs couch because for once, Matthew fell asleep before I did and his delicate, melodic nighttime sonatas keep me awake if I don't zonk out before he does.

But even with the (delicate, melodic) (chainsaw-like) snoring, I do love him. And oh-my-god Lucy. Lucy. She's been in the absolute best, sweetest, most delightful mood ever since I got back to town last week. Seriously, I've never seen her so sweet -- smiling constantly, happy, hugging and kissing and staring into my eyes...we're in love, this baby and me.

I don't have new pictures to post, or anything funny to say (except Laura...if you can fit in my bags, you're in, baby! Maybe if you slather on a thick slimy coat of Benedryl, you'll have an easier time sliding into the suitcase? You crack me up.). Just thought I'd tell the internet about my peeps, Lucy and Matthew (and, apparently, Laura. Am I girl-flirting with you? I think I might be. I love my internet people!). And now, to sleep...perchance to dream.

Southern comfort

Greetings from my second business trip in three weeks -- this time I'm in Memphis with my work team, which is...interesting. I've only been here once before, and that time was spent almost entirely within the office where I was doing work. This time we're downtown, in the very nice Madison Hotel. We spent a day at the Civil Rights museum on Tuesday, which was overwhelming and sad and inspiring. Here's one quote that moved me:

"Let us be those creative dissenters who will call our beloved nation to a higher destiny. To a new plateau of compassion, to a more noble expression of humanity."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Does that inspire you too? If so, to what? I made a donation to Obama when I got back to the hotel that night.

Lucy's doing much better; she started shaping up the day I left, on Monday (perhaps she was allergic to me?), and now is almost completely back to normal. Thanks for the suggestions; some I'd tried and some are new to me. Gretchen, I'll definitely be on the lookout for the clove oil; given how much I love the book/movie "The Marathon Man" I'm surprised I didn't think of that myself. This trip is better for me, too; I'm not nearly as weepy as I was last time (although I watched "Waitress" last night and I don't think this is spoiling it too much by saying that she names the kid Lulu, which made me a little sniffly). (Good movie, by the way.)

Back home again tomorrow, and then home for 6 weeks before my next trip, to Shanghai. That should be lots of fun -- long, but fun. We'll return to our regularly scheduled programming (i.e. photos of the Kid) when I return to my regularly scheduled life.

Holy Frap*! Is THIS teething?

We could use some advice. Lucy just wrapped up her third day of horrible pain -- the first day had a high high fever and vomiting, which we haven't seen since then. But she isn't eating, is drooling like a river, and is so so sad and frustrated and angry and in pain...she doesn't want to do anything but watch TV and nap fitfully (she's mostly sleeping OK at night, with wake-ups for a cuddle and more medicine) and even when she's distracted by TV or something else, she'll occassionally burst out with howling and writhing. She constantly has her fingers in her mouth. She has two bottom teeth, a third on the bottom poked through about a week ago, and one on the top.

Can this be teething? Molars, really out of order? Other parents' accounts of teething don't seem this extreme. Seriously, when her first few popped through she was definitely feeling it, but this seems to be real, piercing pain. Do you guys have any advice? We're doing Tylenol, Ibuprofen, Orajel, Highlands Teething Tablets...please please tell me one of you knows a better solution.

*"Frap" courtesy of the adorable Zeeb.

Tet...and vomit

Well, our Tiny Puker is back, or at least, made a brief but spectacular appearance yesterday. Poor kiddo. Matthew and Lu spent 4 hours at the doctor's office yesterday when she woke after a bad night's sleep with a high fever and didn't want to eat or drink...I HATE the power doctors have over us. There was absolutely no reason for the visit to last that long; at last 75% of it seems to have been Matthew and Lu sitting alone in an examination room while they docs and nurses...drank pina coladas? Played online poker? I have no idea. They took blood (horrible) and urine (horrible) samples, which showed no infection. So frustrating.

But she slept well(ish) and seems less feverish today, so I think we're on the mend.

And, it's the beginning of Tet today, the lunar new year. My friend from law school, Hank, has been living in Ho Chi Minh City for the past six months; we just missed him by days when we were there meeting Lucy. He writes a great blog, and recently posted some pictures while out and about observing Tet celebrations. These are two of my favorites; they're of the park across from the Rex Hotel, where we spent most of our time. Uncle Ho holding a child on his lap, all lit up with Tet decorations.

Hank's going to be on the lookout for more great Tet pictures, and I hope to collect them in an album for Lucy to enjoy later. Aren't they great? Thanks, Mr. Hankey Poo.

This is the beginning of the Year of the Rat. Both Lucy and I are Year of the Dog...I usually don't believe in astrology and that kind of stuff, but I'm struck by how accurate this description of those born in Year of the Dog is for me (except for the bit about money...I don't have it and do care). Kind of freaks me out, actually.

People born in the Year of the Dog possess the best traits of human nature. They have a deep sense of loyalty, are honest, and inspire other people's confidence because they know how to keep secrets. But Dog People are somewhat selfish, terribly stubborn, and eccentric. They care little for wealth, yet somehow always seem to have money. They can be cold emotionally and sometimes distant at parties. They can find fault with many things and are noted for their sharp tongues. Dog people make good leaders.

The Zodiac can be broken down further, though, into "elements" of Metal, Fire, Water, and Wood. Lucy and I have different elements -- she's a Fire Dog and I'm a Metal Dog. Again, freaked out by the accuracy:

Metal Dogs have extremely high standards and expect a lot of themselves and of others. They are loyal and hold a strong outlook about the direction they want their life to take. They choose their friends and causes with care, as they do not plan to ever not support these people and things again. Once they have committed themselves, there is little to no turning back. They are bold, unafraid to disagree out loud about anything they feel is unjust or unfair. Metal Dogs are easily stressed if a plan does not go accordingly. They find it difficult to relax when there are things to be done.

And even more freaked out by the possiblity that this is accurate, too (I thought I'd have at least a decade or more before I had to consider implications of sexual attractiveness -- yikes). Who will this child be? I can't wait to find out:

Fire Dogs are natural leaders. Fire Dogs are popular, charismatic people, always surrounded by a group of admirers. Not only admired for their vibrant personalities, these Dogs also possess a sexual attractiveness that makes them irresistible. These people are adventurous and vivacious, yet, honest and openhearted. However, because they are so active, they are generally not the settle down type.

Miscellany

So, some random things:

1. Home from NYC, and happily, she still loves me. Honestly, that was my big fear. I know it's probably stupid. But she's STILL only known me for 7 months, many people in her life have come and gone, and it literally hurts me to think that she might have been scared or sad or pained somehow about my absence and uncertain about what it meant. But I was greeted with smiles and a kiss (she gives kisses on demand now (mostly), big sloppy open-mouthed wet ones. Adorable!). So that's good.

2. I cried in public, at JFK, when they cancelled my flight home on Friday night. That, that was not so good.

3. Lu + Gussie, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.

3. Don't get me wrong, I love dogs (see above -- Gus, the sweetest dog in the world). But you guys and your constant "puppies are better than kittens, kittens are crap, I hope all the kittens in the world just get eaten by the far-cuter puppies..." ... well, I don't know. Maybe it's not your fault, maybe you just haven't been exposed to the "right" kind of kittens. Maybe all the kittens who have crossed your paths have been the vicious kind (with sharp pointy teeth) who go for the throat without the slightest provocation? And maybe the puppies in your life have been the kind that poop golden nuggets? Otherwise, I just can't understand it. Julia, I'm still 100% good with the pizza answer, by the way.

4. Lucy is Matthew's #1 super-fan when it comes to playing the guitar.

"He's so dreamy...I'd throw my undies on the stage, ala Tom Jones, but somehow doubt that would convey the proper message (what with "undies" being, in fact, a soiled diaper). Maybe this charming smile will suffice?"

"Freeeebirrrddd!"

Chose your own caption (see right)